HARTMAN I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your Senior Drill Instructor. From now on, you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be "Sir!". Do you maggots understand that? RECRUITS (in unison) Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN Bullshit! I can't hear you. Sound off like you got a pair. RECRUITS (louder) Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training ... you will be a weapon, you will be a minister of death, praying for war. But until that day you are pukes! You're the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings! You are nothing but unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian shit! Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard, but I am fair! There is no racial bigotry here! I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless! And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps! Do you maggots understand that? RECRUITS (in unison) Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN Bullshit! I can't hear you! RECRUITS (louder) Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN What's your name, scumbag? SNOWBALL (shouting) Sir, Private Brown, sir! HARTMAN Bullshit! From now on you're Private Snowball! Do you like that name? SNOWBALL (shouting) Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN Well, there's one thing that you won't like, Private Snowball! They don't serve fried chicken and watermelon on a daily basis in my mess hall! SNOWBALL Sir, yes, sir! JOKER (whispering) Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me? HARTMAN Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker down here, who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! The fairy fucking godmother said it! Out-fucking- standing! I will P.T. you all until you fucking die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk. HARTMAN Was it you, you scroungy little fuck, huh?! COWBOY Sir, no, sir! HARTMAN You little piece of shit! You look like a fucking worm! I'll bet it was you! COWBOY Sir, no, sir! JOKER Sir, I said it, sir! HARTMAN Well ...no shit. What have we got here, a fucking comedian? Private Joker? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and fuck my sister. HARTMAN You little scumbag! I've got your name! I've got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you. Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck! JOKER Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN Private Joker, why did you join my beloved Corps? JOKER Sir, to kill, sir! HARTMAN So you're a killer! JOKER Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN Let me see your war face! JOKER Sir? HARTMAN You've got a war face? Aaaaaaaagh! That's a war face. Now let me see your war face! JOKER Aaaaaaaagh! HARTMAN Bullshit! You didn't convince me! Let me see your real war face! JOKER Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! HARTMAN You didn't scare me! Work on it! JOKER Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN What's your excuse? COWBOY Sir, excuse for what, sir? HARTMAN I'm asking the fucking questions here, Private. Do you understand?! COWBOY Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN Well thank you very much! Can I be in charge for a while? COWBOY Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN Are you shook up? Are you nervous? COWBOY Sir, I am, sir! HARTMAN Do I make you nervous? COWBOY Sir! HARTMAN Sir, what? Were you about to call me an asshole?! COWBOY Sir, no, sir! HARTMAN How tall are you, Private? COWBOY Sir, five foot nine, sir! HARTMAN Five foot nine? I didn't know they stacked shit that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh? COWBOY Sir, no, sir. HARTMAN Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you've been cheated! HARTMAN Where in hell are you from anyway, Private? COWBOY Sir, Texas, sir! HARTMAN Holy dogshit! Texas! Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy! And you don't look much like a steer to me, so that kinda narrows it down! Do you suck dicks?! COWBOY Sir, no, sir! HARTMAN Are you a peter-puffer? COWBOY Sir, no, sir! HARTMAN I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach- around! I'll be watching you! HARTMAN Did your parents have any children that lived? PYLE Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece! What's your name, fatbody? PYLE Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir! HARTMAN Lawrence? Lawrence, what, of Arabia? PYLE Sir, no, sir! HARTMAN That name sounds like royalty! Are you royalty? PYLE Sir, no, sir! HARTMAN Do you suck dicks? PYLE Sir, no, sir! HARTMAN Bullshit! I'll bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose! PYLE Sir, no, sir! HARTMAN I don't like the name Lawrence! Only faggots and sailors are called Lawrence! From now on you're Gomer Pyle! PYLE Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN Do you think I'm cute, Private Pyle? Do you think I'm funny? PYLE Sir, no, sir! HARTMAN Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face! PYLE Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN Well, any fucking time, sweetheart! PYLE Sir, I'm trying, sir. HARTMAN Private Pyle, I'm gonna give you three seconds--excactly three fucking seconds-- to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you! One! Two! Three! PYLE Sir, I can't help it, sir! HARTMAN Bullshit! Get on your knees, scumbag! HARTMAN Now choke yourself! HARTMAN Goddamn it, with my hand, numbnuts!! HARTMAN Don't pull my fucking hand over there! I said choke yourself! Now lean forward and choke yourself! HARTMAN Are you through grinning? PYLE (barely able to speak) Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN Bullshit! I can't hear you! PYLE (gasping) Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN Bullshit! I still can't hear you! Sound off like you got a pair! PYLE (gagging) Sir, yes, sir! HARTMAN That's enough! Get on your feet! HARTMAN Private Pyle, you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cuff links ... or I will definitely fuck you up! PYLE Sir, yes, sir!